Is Pumpkin Spice Hazardous To Our Country?

By Susan Kuebler

Fall has officially arrived and with it all things pumpkin.  But seriously folks, things are getting out of hand. Pumpkins should be reserved for making pies, a de riegeur dessert at all Southern Thanksgiving celebrations.  But a quick search of the Internet shows that this whole pumpkin-flavored trend is getting entirely out of hand.

We have Pumpkin Spice Planters peanuts.

Pumpkin Spice Mountain Dew.

And even Pumpkin Spice Orange Juice.

Good God, Budweiser is offering Pumpkin Bud Light.


Is nothing sacred anymore?  The list of all pumpkin spiced abominations is far too long to list here.  I am certainly old enough to remember when Pumpkin Spice might have referred to an overweight member of a British girl band.

But the great pumpkin spice conspiracy took on an entirely new dimension yesterday.  As reported by local news media a Baltimore high school was evacuated.

That’s correct.  Those innocent students and their teachers faced the real fears of encountering a hazardous material.  No doubt countless parents were worried sick when they learned of the evacuation.  Fortunately, the situation was quickly resolved and the problem was – you guessed it – pumpkin spice.

America – we need to reclaim our foods, our beverages, the very air we breathe from the constant onslaught of pumpkin spice.  Use the pumpkin as God intended: to make jack o’lanterns for Halloween, to make delicious pumpkin pies, and to toast the pumpkin seeds for tasty and health snacks.

We are on a slippery slope here.  What comes next?  Turkey flavored potato chips for Thanksgiving?  Peeps air fresheners for Easter.  We must take back our nation from pumpkin spice lattes and return the balance to the universe.  We must boycott all things pumpkin spiced, even though there is no way one could imagine any man sitting back to watch a college football game while sipping his Pumpkin-Spiced Bud Lite.

Let’s go back to the real scent that no red-blooded American woman can resist and that everyone loves – CHOCOLATE!

"All shall be well and all shall be well and all manner of things shall be well". Julian of Norwich.

Share Your Thoughts?