Grammar For Trumpkins

By David Paitsel

Anyone who has interacted with a Trump supporter online or in real life knows they are, as a group, educationally challenged.  It can be very frustrating.  Whether they’re calling someone a cuck on Twitter or calling out the local newspaper for printing fake news, it’s difficult for people to take them seriously when everything they write reads like it was scribbled in crayon by an angry first grader.

Since I’m a nice guy, and I understand how learning basic English may have seemed an unnecessary luxury to a natural born American citizen on public assistance in a trailer park, I have put together this short reference sheet to help with a few basics. Remember, if an illegal can manage English well enough to complete an application to steal a job without looking like a semi-literate moron, I bet they can, too.

Please forward this column to the Trumpkin of your choice. Speaking of semi-literate morons, we should probably tweet this to their president, too.  My fondest hope is to one day learn this column held pride of place on Trump’s bathroom wall where he used it for easy reference as he bestowed his wisdom upon us from his throne, the White House toilet.

And away we go….

Easy Grammar Reference Chart for Trumpkins:

There = adverb meaning in, at, or to a place or position.  Example: “That statue of Robert E. Lee should stay there,” NOT “There trying to erase our history!

Their = possessive form of they. Example: “Those illegals should watch their backs,” NOT “They’re all going to get deported!

They’re a = contraction of “they are.” Example: “They’re taking our jobs,” NOT “They should go back to their own country!

Your = possessive form of you.  Example: “We know where your house is,” NOT “Your nothing but a filthy cuck!

You’re a = contraction of “you are.” Example: “You’re an America hating libtard,” NOT “You’re Antifa is worse than the KKK!

Yore = of long ago.  Example: Oh, hell. Nevermind.  Yore an idiot, anyway.

To = expresses motion toward something or identifying a person or a thing affected. Example: “Trump disclosed top-secret information to Russian officials,” NOT “The fake news media is making too much of Trump colluding with Russia.

Too = In an addition, to a higher degree.  Example: “Obama spent too much time playing golf,” NOT “Trump deserves to spend his weekends in Mar-a-Lago!

Two = the number 2, as in “Trump has a two digit IQ.

Waist = region of human body below the ribs and above the hips.  Example: “I put my arms around Ivanka’s waist,” NOT “This government program is a terrible waste of money.

Waste = expend to no purpose.  Example, “2016 was a wasted opportunity,” NOT “America should bend at the waist and get ready.”

Council = an advisory or legislative body.  Counsel = to advise (verb), or a lawyer (noun), as in, “Trump and administration officials have hired armies of lawyers in response to the Russia investigation.

Unprecedented = never done or known before.  Unprecedented = Stripped of the title of president, as Trump should be.

Hereby = as a result of this.  Hearby means, well, you hear the music by the speakers…I guess.

Strictly speaking, this one isn’t grammar, but if you’re going to insult Republicans who find Trump embarrassing, the correct term is “RINO,” an acronym for “Republican in name only” (you know, like Trump), NOT “rhino,” which is short for “rhinoceros,” a large animal native to Africa and Asia.

If these are too difficult to remember, you could always stop ending sentences with “at.”  Then, you could say, “Hey, I may not know the difference between ‘there’ and ‘their,’ but at least I know better than to ask, ‘Where’s it at?'”


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