Imagining A White House Bible Study Group

By Susan Kuebler

The Christian Broadcasting Network (CBN) recently reported on a “spiritual awakening” in the Cabinet as a result of weekly Bible study meetings.  Led by Ralph Drollinger of Capitol Ministries, he says that frequent attendees include Health Secretary Tom Price, Energy Secretary Rick Perry, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos, Agriculture Secretary Sonny Perdue, and CIA Director Mike Pompeo.  Attorney General Jeff Sessions also attends regularly.

Noticeably absent from this group are the President and Vice-President, although Pence gets a pass from Drollinger because he “dresses right.”  Yes, he really said that, comparing Pence to Joseph who cleaned up before going to see the Pharaoh.

Having participated in and taught several Bible study groups myself, I would love to be a fly on the wall during one of these get togethers.  Since that’s not possible, one can only imagine how they go.

Now most Bible study groups, especially evangelical ones, begin with prayer requests by the participants.  These are usually written by the study leader on a blackboard or flip chart.  So let’s pretend we are sitting in the back of the room during the latest weekly meeting.

Leader:  I want to thank everyone who made it here today.  First, let us begin by remembering and praying for the dearly departed in our group.  Reince, Sean, and Anthony will be sorely missed and we pray for their future happiness, as well as their book deals and cable news jobs.

You may remember that just last week Brother Anthony led us in his study of Cain and Abel.  His insights were spiritually uplifting for all of us and we are deeply sorrowful that he didn’t last long enough in his job to make to a second meetng.

Cabinet Member One:  Brother Ralph, I would like us all to pray for our President and the Nation.

Leader:  Excellent, excellent, of course we will.

Cabinet Member Two:  And I think we should pray that all the leakers in the White House should be struck down by God’s Holy Wrath and sent directly to hell.

Leader:  Of course.  Brother Anthony intended to do just that, but as we all know……

Cabinet Member Three:  I would like to pray for rain.

Leader:  Sonny, you ask that every time we meet.  We don’t need any more rain.  If fact, we’re flooding right now.

Cabinet Member Three:  Sorry, it’s just all I know to pray for.

Leader:  Okay, we have our prayer requests.  Let everyone take a moment and silent pray in their hearts.

<after a brief pause>

Leader:  Today our study will focus on how our beloved President is exactly like the Biblical hero Samson.

Cabinet Member Four:  But wasn’t Samson not a very nice person?  Didn’t he break all the vows for being a Nazirite?  Didn’t he marry a woman his parents hated?

Leader:  Betsy, I’ve told you before not to interrupt.  Samson was a great leader, just like our beloved President.  And he was a winner!  Didn’t he slay 10,000 Philistines with the jawbone of an ass?

<muttering heard in background>

Leader:  Whoever said that was the President’s jawbone is welcome to leave the group right now!!!!!!

Okay, I will continue.  Samson was the strongest man on earth, just like our President.    The only way he was brought down was because a woman <stares directly at Betsy> leaked, LEAKED, the information that his strength would be gone if someone cut off his hair.  As we all know, our President has remarkable hair.  And we all know that there are people out there trying to destroy his strength through LEAKING!!!

<someone begins singing>

“She tied you to her kitchen chair,
She broke your throne and she cut your hair
And from your lips she drew the Hallelujah”

Leader:  That’s very nice Rick.  But I think we all know the reason why you were on Dancing With The Stars instead of American Idol.

Let’s move on shall we.  Yes, Tom, you have a question?

Cabinet Member Number Five:  I was just wondering.  Isn’t it wrong to deny healthcare to millions of people?  I mean, people could die without it.  Shouldn’t we try to be helping our fellow citizens instead of hurting them?  Isn’t that what Jesus taught?

Leader:  Tom, we’ve been over this a thousand times.  This is a Bible Study group.  Not a meeting of some lefty, bleeding heart liberals.  We are studying how our President is just like all the great Old Testament figures.  JESUS HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT!

Cabinet Member Number Five:  Well, if you say  so.  But still…………………….

Leader:  Tom, just be quiet.  Not another word from you.

Now back to Samson.  Where was I?

Cabinet Member Number One:  How the President – I mean Samson – was destroyed by all the leakers around him.  Which was a bad thing.  A very bad thing.  It doesn’t take a brain surgeon to figure that out.

Leader:  Thank you Ben.  Yes, Samson trusted a woman <again stares at Betsy> which proved to be his downfall.  Fortunately, our President doesn’t trust anyone, especially women, as we know by the wonderful prenuptial agreements he has made all three of his wives sign.

But even though his enemies cut off his hair, and put out his eyes, Samson was able to hit back.  In fact, he hit back even harder.  He hit back so hard he brought the entire building and everyone in it around him.

<members glance nervously at each other>

So just like Samson, our President will destroy all his enemies even if it means he and everyone around him dies.  Can I get an “Amen” brothers and sisters?

<members mutter Amen>

Good.  This has been a great meeting of our weekly Bible study meeting.

Next week we are going to study about Saul, who was the anointed King of Israel by God himself, and how he was a victorious military man who led his people to victory against all the enemies of Israel.

Study Group Member Six:  But wasn’t he deposed by his son-in-law after God decided he was doing a crappy job?

Leader:  Ivanka, what are you doing here?   You’re Jewish

Study Group Member Six:  Daddy says I can sit in on any meetings I like.

 

 

2 comments

  1. I know. I felt a little bit (but not too much) bad about that one, because at the time in Georgia there really weren’t any other options left.

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