Dispatches From The Swamp – #10

By Susan Kuebler

Alert to all members of The Resistance.  Have made contact with a feline counterpart who resides with extremely high-ranking, like nobody higher, a member of F.B.I.  In order to protect the identity of my source, and to prevent his ending up at the city pound, I shall only refer to him as Komprokat.

Komprokat, who turns out to be a loyal member of The Resistance, reports having seen extremely compromising videos of The Leader, which are viewed nightly at his home to the laughter and amusement of the enemy agents in residence.  Komprokat states that said videos show The Leader in compromising positions with Vladimir Putin’s dogs Connie and Yume.  As you may recall, Yume, a giant Akita, was instrumental in terrorizing both German Chancellor Angela Merkel and visiting Japanese journalists.

The likely story behind reports of bed-wetting at Moscow Ritz-Carlton appears to be videos of The Leader wetting himself on the bed after Putin sicced Yume on The Leader in playful bedtime romp.  Unsubstantiated rumors also claim that Putin has videos of The Leader kicking kittens across the room (the fiend) and laughing as they bounced.  Such intel, once confirmed, would explain extreme hold that foreign agents have over The Leader.

Plans for Coronation continue to remain in flux.  Paul Anka once thought long-dead entertainer, backed out of a commitment to sing “My Way” due to pressing need to spend the day with his son.  Marie Osmond cannot perform as she has to wash her hair that day.  However, in good news for Coronation planners, the Missouri State University Chorale appears to be firm in their intention to perform for The Leader.

Rumors persist on Twitter that President Obama intends to resign on Thursday the 19th, thus making Joe Biden the 45th President of the United States.  Effects on sales of The Leader’s #45 merchandise (made in China) could prove catastrophic (pun intended).

Unconfirmed reports on proposed changes to Trump White House continue to circulate throughout the Swamp.  One source says that Trump intends to turn White House Briefing Room back into swimming pool, as reporters are “all wet anyway.”  Others claim that the Blue Room will become “White House Gift Shoppe” where Trump memorabilia will be available for purchase by high-ranking foreign visitors only.

As The Leader has abolished the office of #FLOTUS (First Lady of the United States) in favor of #FFOTUS (First Family of the United States) no confirmation received on whether The Leader’s wife #SLOTUS (SLut of the United States) will make an appearance at the Coronation. However, an increasing number of Members of Congress have announced last-minute scheduling conflicts that will prevent they’re attending the Coronation.  These conflicts appeared shortly after The Leader decided to attack an icon of the civil rights movement and a member of Congress in an idiotic and untruthful tweet.

Senate hearings on The Leader’s nominees for The Junta moved forward smoothly last week.  His nominee for Secretary of HUD and reputed brain surgeon announced he did not plan to benefit any Americans in his running of the department.  Expect interesting developments in the days to come.

Remain vigilant my friends.  America depends on us.

The Crafty Cat                 Vive le Resistance!

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