Dispatches From The Swamp – #8

By Susan Kuebler

Obtaining reliable intel became increasingly difficult over the holidays with The Leader and enemy agents basking in Florida sun over the holidays.  However, The Leader continues to provide useful information from his canny tweets regarding foreign policy, trade, and carrier pigeons.  Other operatives within the enemy organization also continue to delight members of The Resistance with frequent, contradictory explanations of what The Leader is really, truly saying.

Major two-day battle of tweets exchanged between former CBS reporter now working for New York Times and a host of insignificant host of MSNBC television show.  Said host lambasted reporter for saying he, along with his female co-host, reveled at NYE party hosted by The Leader at Florida compound.  After pictures of him at the party were published, he said that he and female co-host were only there to interview The Leader and that no reveling had been committed.  No word yet on whether host’s wife bought this explanation.

Rumors abound within The Leader’s household that each night he gathers entire family around him and asks “Have I told you about the time I won the 2016 election?”  His continual tweeting on this theme appears to support these rumors.

In a major foreign policy announcement on North Korea’s ability to launch a nuclear missile capable of reaching the United States, The Leader issued the dreaded “double-dog dare you” threat to try it to the only person on Earth who is actually crazier than he is.

X Factor star Rebecca Ferguson has agreed to perform at the Coronation, but only if she is allowed to sing “Strange Fruit” a song about lynchings of black people in the South.  This report has been confirmed by multiple sources.  Member of Mormon Tabernacle Choir has resigned rather than participate.  She is, no doubt, an alto, as altos are used to going to taking difficult parts of music, going against the melody.  Comedian George Lopez reports that he has also declined to participate in the Coronation.  Organizers then asked him for the phone number of Erik Estrada.  Also circulating are rumors that Benjamin Netanyahu, the prime minister of Israel may attend.  No information yet on if he plans to sing.

The Coronation is expected to be quite short.  Due to a large number of marching bands refusing to perform, the parade may begin at 1400 Pennsylvania Avenue this year.  In addition, The Leader has announced he intends to write his own Speech From The Throne.  As he is only capable of writing in 140 characters or less, the speech may prove the shortest in history. Hopes amongst The Resistance that he will follow in the tradition of the ninth President of the United States, who delivered the longest speech (nearly two hours)  in freezing cold without wearing a coat, and died from pneumonia 30 days later are dwindling.

Major American newspaper, which is coincidentally owned by the same person who owns Fox News, announced that it will not report that any of The Leader’s lies are, in fact, lies.  Members of The Resistance, rest assured that we will continue to fearlessly report rumors, innuendos, insinuations, and unconfirmed reports. Occasional facts, beyond our control, may appear.

As you may note, frequent disguise changes have been needed to avoid capture by enemy agents or collaborators (i.e. Republican members of Congress).  In the event we are captured, our only regret will be that we have but nine lives to give to our Country.

Remain vigilant my friends.     America depends on us.

The Crafty Cat    Vive le Resistance

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