Dispatches From The Swamp #7

By Susan Kuebler

Have been frantically gathering intel for The Resistance during last few days.  Much happening in The Swamp while The Leader continues to amuse the world with illiterate tweets.

Pleased to report that more Americans in history have now heard of the Electoral College; however, many are frustrated.  We’re not able to find any players for their football fantasy teams.

Rumors abound that First Daughter will also assume the role of First Lady.  This is not unprecedented; however, has never occurred while First Lady still living. Special alert to members of The Resistance who are upset over this situation:  We have also never before had First Lady whose father was a member of Communist Party, whose nude photographs have been published in major newspapers, and who is actively engaged in a search to find Moose and Squirrel.  The recommendation is to find other issues to lose sleep over.

Noted Swamp Leader Newt Gingrich has suggested The Leader could issue pardons for himself and family for breaking laws in past and in future.  Strangely, this option was not offered to President Clinton when Swamp Leader spearheaded impeachment proceedings against him.  Perhaps this is a devious attempt by Swamp Leader to encourage impeachment proceedings against The Leader who has yet to recognize his slavish loyalty with a high-ranking position in the administration.

Secret Service reported being upset that The Leader intends to maintain personal security personnel after the inauguration.  Rumors that these individuals will be easily recognized by brown shirts cannot be confirmed.  Sources close to The Leader indicate they will be tastefully outfitted in green and white uniforms covered with gold braid so that potential threats with confusing them with The Leader’s planned dress uniform.

Uday and Qusay offering once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to accompany them on killing spree of endangered species in Africa for mere $1,000,000 charitable contribution to PETA, or possibly Trump Foundation.  Attempts to raffle off their sister for a coffee date at Starbucks were not successful.  Unconfirmed reports are that Starbucks insisted on writing Kushner on her coffee cup instead of Trump.

Officials in Mobile, Alabama vociferously apologizing to citizens for cutting down 50-ft fir tree in public park that was used as background prop for The Leader’s last (?) campaign event.  Unable to confirm reports that citizens of Mobile plan to tie said officials to fir tree before setting it ablaze.

Boycotts by inflamed collaborators of The Leader are proving surprisingly successful.  After The Leader denounced “really poor numbers” of noted lifestyle magazine Vanity Fair for poor review of his restaurant in Trump Towers, Vanity Fair reported a massive increase in subscriptions.  Allegations also reported that Trump restaurant in Las Vegas failed to pass health inspections.  Funds of The Resistance will not be wasted on fabulous, well-deserved trip to Las Vegas to personally verify this story.

A boycott of new movie Rogue One considered a personal affront to The Leader has resulted in record-shattering $7 billion worldwide sales.  Members of The Resistance are advised to strongly encourage known collaborators to engage in boycotts of cancer and AIDS.

Have received unconfirmed reports from sources close to The Leader regarding his devastatingly simple method to eliminate ISIS.  Sources admit he intends to invest millions in the organization, leading to its certain bankruptcy and demise. The Leader was correct in his assessment that only he could do this.

Disturbing reports circulating on Twitter that The Crafty Cat is, indeed, a talk show host in Houston.  This is total fabrication invented by unhinged collaborators in an obvious attempt to discredit our efforts. Do not fall for such ploys my friends, which are apparently prompted by The Leader himself, who fears our courageous reporting.

The Leader’s hopes for a star-studded Inaugural celebration appear to be falling apart.  World-renowned tenor Andrea Bocelli has announced he will not perform due to serious concerns expressed by his fans.  No doubt the email sent to him this week by yours truly was the tipping point.  Rumors floating that a karaoke stand will be set up instead, accompanied by a cash bar.  Reports that Melania is now shopping at Belk for inaugural dress have not been confirmed.

Will be relocating immediately to a new safe house.  Current hosts have run out of canned tuna.

Remain vigilant my friends.   America depends on us.

The Crafty Cat                  Vive le Resistance

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