Dispatches From The Swamp – #6

By Susan Kuebler

Enemy activities within the Swamp increasing at alarming rate.  The Leader’s attacks via Twitter are relentless.  For unknown reasons, he is targeting aircraft manufacturers, somehow timing these attacks shortly after massive sales of stock in these companies.  Collaborators call these sales purely coincidental.  Resistance leaders are suspicious.

Have made direct contact with a member of the Electoral College. For obvious security reasons, will only refer to the elector from Texas by the code name “CS.”  Fearless and valiant CS passed along urgent request that super-duper secret intel regarding potential foreign interference in election process be provided to Electoral College. Noble members of The Resistance openly called for the release of said intel.  The Leader and his minions say intel is ridiculous.  The Resistance considers The Leader and his minions ridiculous.  Members of Congress indicate agreement with The Resistance instead of The Leader.

The Leader continues to follow a deviously crafted plan of nominating the least-qualified person to Cabinet-level positions.   Reports circulating that this is part of The Leader’s scheme to divert focus away from his business conflicts of interest, his personal relationship with Leader of Foreign Power, his desire to elevate daughter and son-in-law to positions of power within his regime, and, most seriously, from the fact that he does not like cats.

Rumors that The Leader intends to continue to produce reality show confirmed by his nomination of dancing former governor of Texas to head the Department of Something or Other.  Nominee sometimes has difficulty recalling the name of the agency, which will make his arrival for the first day of work extremely difficult.  In true reality show manner, final rose for Secretary of State awarded to unexpected, last-minute entry to contest.  Followers of the show reported heartbroken that favorite contender Mitt Romney sent home after receiving only romantic dinner with The Leader.

The Leader has reported gleefully on Twitter that recount of votes in Wisconsin has netted him an additional 131 votes.  This narrows the gap in the popular vote with The Opponent from 2,800,000 to 2,799,869.  Receiving unconfirmed rumors that collaborators with this Regime are getting sick of all this winning.

Additional reports from enemy camp state The Leader unable to meet December 15th deadline promised for a plan to show how he will avert potential business conflicts of interest, due to his need to concentrate on appointments of Cabinet leaders and other vital government business.

Meanwhile, The Leader will be holding following rallies this week:

Tues: Wisconsin
Thurs:  Pennsylvania
Fri: Florida
Sat: Alabama

Press conference in near future promised by The Leader.  Skepticism among The Resistance that this event will actually occur remains high.  The Leader also announced that Uday and Qusay will run his businesses and that no new business deals will be made.  Unable to confirm any direct correlation between these two announcements.  Unsubstantiated rumors circulating that Ivanka has been fired.

Recently confirmed report received that daring Twitter account going by name of @CaptainsLog2016 has issued a rallying cry for members to join The Resistance.  All members are welcomed in the fight against The Leader and his regime.  Updates on activities behind enemy lines are provided, when possible, through underground Twitter account @www.eatprayvote.org and will also be shared with CaptainsLog2016.  Please do not disclose this to enemy agents.  Lives of secret agents may be a risk!

Remain vigilant my friends.  America depends on us.

The Crafty Cat             Vive le Resistance

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