Dispatches From The Swamp – Day 27

By Susan Kuebler

Have just returned from the dangerous recce mission of enemy encampments in the Swamp.  Signs of despair are appearing throughout the region.  Visited the temporary home of future Vice President Mike Pence, which is surrounded by houses of valiant members of The Resistance flying flags supporting LGTB movement.  Slipped past Secret Service guards who underestimate innocent looking kitties, and, in lieu of traditional casserole, deposited dead rat on the back doorstep of residence.  Also peed in the backyard, then beat a hasty retreat.

While casually strolling past cafes in Georgetown region of Swamp, overheard enemy collaborators praising Leader’s role in saving 700 American jobs in Indiana through $7,000,000 tax credit.  Have received verified reports from underground sources that same company relocating 1,300 jobs to Mexico. Becoming increasingly apparent that The Leader and his followers do not understand basic math.

Entered enemy stronghold at the site of Old Post Office under cover of darkness.  Although instantly repelled by hideous décor, fearlessly continued the mission. Thwarted in efforts to gain any valuable intel. Unable to understand conversations in the lobby as it is populated entirely by foreign diplomats intent upon showing fealty to the new regime by purchasing #MAGA Christmas ornaments in a gift shop.

Continued mission on K Street.  Able to report that most offices appear to be unoccupied. Possible that lobbyists have re-located to M Street in an effort to rehabilitate image with the current regime.

Super secret meeting at undisclosed location held with leaders of underground resistance within the Swamp.  Unconfirmed reports are that Ann Coulter has been placed under suicide watch; Sean Hannity has finally admitted he is just a talk show host;  and that a wall on Mexican border no longer needed as our borders is protected by “vicious” water.  The last is obviously untrue as no one could be stupid enough to make such a ridiculous claim.  Resistance leaders also confirm that The Leader watched “unwatchable” long-running program Saturday Night Live and was not amused.  The skit regarded The Leader’s obsession with constant tweeting.  The Leader responded with a tweet.  The sense of humor and irony no longer a requirement for members of the regime.

Interesting developments in the telephone call between The Leader and the President of Taiwan.  Appears that entire conversation consisted of “You called me first.” “No, you called me.” “No, you definitely called me first and can I build something in your country?’  Concerns expressed by China and other Pacific nations may be unwarranted.

Rumors circulating that VPEOTUS unaware of on Sunday morning talk shows of statements made by The Leader.  His staffers are scrambling to instruct him on how to use Twitter so that he can keep up with latest shifts in policy stances.

Did not attempt to infiltrate White House or grounds as it is well known that the President and First Family possess a D.O.G.

Many hours spent searching Rock Creek Park in hopes of catching glimpse of heroic champion of The Resistance Shoshana Weissmann @senatorshoshana. Very special mouse present for her escaped into the undergrowth.

Returned to the safe house during early hours of the morning.  Will report any late breaking news in next dispatch.

Remain vigilant my friends.  America depends on us.

The Crafty Cat

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